As the birth of a new kid draws near, over the coming months, some of you may offer to take my kids out. Therefore you should all follow these instructions for looking after my children:

1. Wherever possible, it is much easier to take them out separately.

2. Middle child does not mix well with other children. If anyone picks on middle child they WILL regret it.

3. My boys are  generally well-behaved in public and a pleasure to be with. However, you must  look out for THE TIPPING POINT.

4. THE TIPPING POINT is the point in the day where they are generally pooped out and  have exhausted their quota of loveliness for the day.

5. THE TIPPING POINT can occur at any point  between 7am and 8pm. A general rule of thumb is as follows. The later they went to bed the night before, the earlier the tipping point shall follow the next day. This is why all parents legally have the right to kill any adult who has kept their child up past 8pm , given their child sugar after 3pm or let them sleep at any point after lunch time. See point 7.

6. Once THE TIPPING POINT is reached you have approx 27 seconds to get the children to safety. That means, out of the public domain and into someplace quiet. Failure to do so,may result in wailing, crying and fighting ( and that’s just you).
6.2. Should you find yourself caught outside after THE TIPPING POINT has been reached, you will find an emergency disguise packed at the bottom of the rucksack I gave you. I URGE YOU TO WEAR IT !

7.NEVER let our children sleep in the afternoon. NEVER give them sugar past 3pm and NEVER any caffeinated drinks. Two days ago, oldest child had Cola at tea time and has only just gone to sleep!!
Failure to observe rule 7 WILL result in  having my children being dumped in their living room at 11pm.

8. Middle child is an easy child to take out. He never wants anything. Oldest child will gladly let you buy him lots of stuff. The easiest way is to buy nothing. NOTHING ! I get that you want to treat them but trust me, this is SETTING A PRECEDENT. You are merely shooting yourself in the bum.

9. Beware of THE FACE. As previously mentioned, Middle Child will rarely bother you for anything. But when he does want something, he will give you THE FACE. LOOK AWAY IMMEDIATELY. Proceed with extreme care ! I cannot stress this enough (think Puss in boots in the Shrek films). All are powerless in front of THE FACE.

Tip: I find it useful in these situations to imagine Admiral Ackbar jumping out behind you shouting ‘it’s a trap’. It will break the hold long enough for you to get a grip on yourself.

10. WARNING !! My kids have enquiring minds.  They will want to know everything and anything. Quite often they will know more than you do – and will tell you this.  Occasionally Oldest Child will even stop talking long enough for you to answer him.

ENJOY THE KIDS…you’ll have a lovely time xx

NOTE: Although this is a list of instructions FOR looking after my children, they are mostly applicable to all kids. This list should be cut out and kept for all aunts, uncles, godparents and grandparents who have forgotten what it’s like.

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