Why are there so many F@**!ng Daddy Finger Video’s on YouTube?

If you have toddlers or young children and you let them watch video’s on the internet, you have no doubt come across the hell that is Daddy Finger I know there are hundreds of you nodding furiously with me right now, but for those who haven’t stumbled across this devil spawn of Youtube, let me enlighten you:

So what is Daddy finger?

Daddy finger is a kids nursery rhyme that teaches kids to count the fingers on their hands. Apparently they’re all lost and we’re going to find them one at a time. All with the help of flying gorilla’s and clown fish dinosaurs (yes really).

How does it work?

Each finger represents a member of the conservative family model of 2.4 children. Father, mother, brother, sister and baby.

So what does this rhyme teach them?

Honestly, I don’t know. Who has ever referred to their fingers as brother finger, baby finger, mother finger etc? I’ve certainly never whispered ‘here comes Daddy finger’ to my wife at night. It’s just weird.

And you haven’t even seen the background videos yet.

Background videos?

Yes, each finger family video has a theme. There are literally eleventy million of them out there. You want a family of flying monkey’s with Paw Patrol heads? GOT IT !! Or maybe ninja squirrels with the heads of the Avengers? Check. Fighting dinosaurs wearing Donald Trump masks? YUP !!

There are literally thousands out of video’s out there and getting increasingly weirder.

But kids can’t seriously watch this cr@p?

Yup. They really do. Each video channel has thousands of subscribers and this is where it gets a little sinister. Take a look at the comments on these vid’s. There are hardly any. Why? Because it’s kids accidentally clicking on the subscribe buttons, not knowing what they’re doing. I mean, what parent actively WANTS to subscribe to this shit? There are so many of these channels, churning out 100’s of new ones each day.There is no need to subscribe. Just type Daddy Finger into YouTube  and you’ll see. Mind blown !!

A conspiracy you say?

Yes, because it’s taking advantage of children for advertising revenue. Young kids can’t use search engines and just click on whatever video that pops up on the side screen , or on the channel button that they accidentally clicked on (when the link kept popping up on the screen) and off they go to Daddy Finger land. They have short attention spans so they just click and click and click on the next suggestion. This is how they get so many hits. It’s toddlers clicking and clicking every few minutes (or even every few seconds). Those thousands of subscriptions and clicks may just be for seconds of viewing time but each hit is a stat’ for the maker and ultimately advertising revenue for the channel. And presumably it’s cheap to do, which is why they churn out so many of the bloody things (and why they are so weird). It’s also why using famous brands is both worth it and effective.

Kids have short attention spans. They’ll just get bored and the whole thing will go away !!

No!!! It’s like brainwashing. Well actually it’s classic psychology 101. Young kids like repetition and this is a really catchy song they can learn. Plus it features all of their favourite characters, as well as flying buttmonkey skeletons. It’s addictive so kids keep on click click clicking. Daddy finger is the world’s worst earworm.

So the moral of this story is?

1. Don’t let your kids on YouTube unsupervised.
2. If it’s too late, you have to make them go cold turkey.
3. Go make your own daddy finger channel. Seriously why, aren’t we all doing this? Mwahahahaha.

No really, don’t do number 3. It’s not wholesome or good. And if this is your first introduction to Daddy finger, please don’t go on YouTube to check it out. YES YOU. DON’T DO IT!! You’ll regret it !!

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